Mistake 1: We misinterpret the attentions of the opposite sex.
As an outgrowth of
the frustration and desperation sometimes experienced when we want to be
married, many singles overreact to any attention from someone of the opposite
sex, especially if that someone is attractive to them. If a man looks at us
twice, we women can read all kinds of things into it. If a woman happens to sit
by a man at a social function, he thinks she’s sending him come-ons.
This
misinterpretation of attentions is one of the major reasons it’s difficult for
a single man and woman to have a platonic relationship. Both are on their
guard, worried about signals, instead of allowing that two people can actually
have a friendly conversation and enjoy each other’s company without a romantic
attraction.
I also observe too
often that many singles – yes, Christian singles – enjoy sending signals and
then disowning them. After all, it’s an ego trip to think that one or two
people are “on your string,” hoping you’ll come their way sooner or later, even
if you’re not attracted to them. They disguise their maneuvers (perhaps even to
themselves) by telling everyone, “We’re just friends.” They even say that to
the other person right up front, laying the groundwork for a quick exit when
necessary, and then proceed to give attentions and signals that are truly
misleading. Anyone would misinterpret them. And they break not a few hearts in
the process of feeding their egos.
Mistake 2: We put up with too much in a relationship and hang
on too long.
Do yourself a
favor: Admit you have an emotional dependency you’re calling “love” – or even
admit that you really love the person if you think you do – but acknowledge
that it’s a wrong relationship and get out.
How do you get
out? By taking drastic steps. Jesus said, If your right eye causes you to sin,
gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your
body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand
causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose
one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell (Matthew
5:29-30).
If you’re in a
relationship and you’re being treated with disrespect, thoughtlessness, or
unkindness, that’s a good sign you’ve hung on too long and put up with too
much. If you’re hoping he or she will change, you don’t know too much about
human nature. The one thing that might make a person like this change is having
to live with the consequences of his or her behavior – namely, losing the
relationship. As long as he or she can get by with treating you shabbily,
there’s not likely to be much change in behavior.
If you’re not
happy with the treatment you’re receiving from a person before you marry, you
can be sure the treatment you would get after marriage would be much more of
the same and worse.
Mistake 3: We’re not always very good at reading danger
signals in a relationship.
I often see single
people in relationships that have poor choice written all over them, but
somehow they never seem to see the danger signals. The truth is, most of the
time they just don’t want to see them.
Remember that when
our emotions get involved in a situation, it’s very easy to lose perspective.
Someone once told me, “Emotions and feelings have zero IQ,” and I think that’s
a good thing to remember. You cannot trust your emotions. Those juices get
flowing, those romantic notions start whirling around in your head, and you can
lose perspective in an instant.
Let’s list a
few of the danger signals:
Significant age
difference. This will vary depending
on individuals and depending on the ages involved. I’m not saying that age
difference is always a problem, but it certainly is one thing you should
consider carefully.
Different
family upbringing. It’s a fact that
no two families are alike, but look at the basics: Were both families
Christian? What values were taught by the families? What kind of relationships
exist among the family members? Some families are very close and some are not.
Priority of
spiritual life. If one person in the
relationship puts a higher priority on spiritual life than the other, it’s a
real danger signal and should not be ignored. Usually when you are involved
with someone whose spiritual temperature is below your own, you don’t bring
them up to your level, you go down to theirs. I’ve seen it time and again.
Mistake 4: We get physically involved much too soon and go
too far.
Here again we
Christians have allowed the world system and philosophy to infiltrate our
thinking about the physical aspects of a relationship. Romans 12:1-2 says we
are not to be conformed to this world, but transformed by a renewed mind. The
Phillips translation says, “Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its
own mold.” When we become casual about having sex before marriage, we’ve been
shoved into the world’s mold.
If you truly want
to remain pure in your sexual life and keep yourself for the one person God has
for you, or keep yourself for Christ if you remain single, you most certainly
can do that. There is nothing impossible about it.
However, in order
to do that, you will need a discipline that I don’t see in many singles, a
discipline to go the extra mile in keeping the physical contact down to a minimum.
You simply cannot trust the chemistry of your body. It is very powerful, and
once it gets going, finding the discipline to keep it under control is
extremely difficult. So the secret is to keep the electricity down to low
levels by controlling the physical contact.
Mistake 5: We think that the only
necessary requirement for a date or mate is that he or she is a Christian.
I don’t believe
that there is only one person in this whole world whom God intends for us to
marry, and if we miss that person, we’ve missed our perfect mate. (Of course, I
don’t believe that it’s necessarily true that each of us is intended by God to
be married. But that’s another subject!) I think it’s possible to find more
than one person with whom you can be compatible and have a good lifelong
relationship.
It’s very smart to
put yourself though intensive soul-searching when you consider marrying
someone. Keeping in mind that your emotions are involved and therefore your
perspective may be off center, ask for advice from trusted people. Get them to
play devil’s advocate and throw every question they can at you. Take every
compatibility test you can find. Do all you can do to know what you’re getting
into before you jump. You’ll never be totally prepared for marriage, but it’s a
good idea to try to find out before you walk down the aisle whether this match
is likely to work well.
Mistake 6: We carry our list of
requirements for a relationship with us and judge others too quickly and
selfishly.
I used to have a
list of the things I wanted in a man. The list was divided into “Essential” and
“Nonessential.” Now, that’s not an altogether bad idea.
My “Essential”
list now has one thing on it: “Must be someone who would enhance my walk with
God and allow us to have a more effective ministry together than we have
separately.”
Isn’t it great
that our God is big enough to deal with all our differences and idiosyncrasies?
He isn’t looking for cookie-cutter Christians, all of us looking and acting
just alike in every way. We certainly all have the same biblical principles to
apply to our lives, but within those principles, there’s much room for
individuality and personality. Amen to that!
Many singles,
however, seem to have a long list of requirements for their potential date or
mate, and they’ve gotten a bit carried away with it, probably as a reaction to
the many failed marriages around us. It’s as though they’re checking you out,
making sure you meet their needs. They approach this area of their lives as
they might approach buying a car: What features do you have and what are the
benefits of those features to me?
Having certain
important guidelines in mind as we meet and date people is helpful in keeping
us from making totally emotional decisions. But checking people out for selfish
reasons is going too far.
Mistake 7: We think that anything is better than being alone.
While it’s true
that we have basic needs for companionship, it’s not true that aloneness is the
worst condition in the whole world. Note that I said aloneness, not loneliness.
There’s a big difference, you know.
Most people fear
aloneness because to them it represents loneliness. They haven’t learned to
fill their time so that aloneness is valuable and refreshing for them. I have
learned to love my aloneness, but it has not always been that way. It has come
as I’ve learned to enjoy the presence of God and stopped equating aloneness
with loneliness.
Loneliness is a
feeling, an attitude. We don’t get through this life without experiencing it to
some degree. But to settle for anything as a substitute for loneliness is a big
mistake. There are worse things than loneliness, and by God’s grace we do not
have to be overcome and defeated by loneliness. He can take our aloneness and
turn it into beautiful, fruitful, productive time with Him.
Recognize that
being alone doesn’t mean you’re a social misfit. Don’t buy into the lies of our
enemy, who wants you to feel desperate. When we feel desperate, we act in
irrational and unprincipled ways. When we feel an overpowering need to have
someone near, we’ll settle for anything.
Also recognize
your need for social interaction and plan good things. But you don’t have to
have a date to have company; reach out to others and share your time. Not with
the idea that it’s second best – you’d rather have a date but since you can’t
you’ll be with friends – enjoy those people for who they are, and you’ll
discover that the loneliness goes away.
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